Why do we make promises so easily, yet often find them difficult to keep? Promises are more than just words—they are psychological contracts that shape our relationships, self-image, and trust in others. Whether it’s a commitment to a loved one, a pledge at work, or a personal goal, the act of making promises is driven by emotion, social expectations, and cognitive biases. However, keeping those promises requires discipline, planning, and self-regulation—qualities that don’t always align with our initial intentions.
Understanding the psychology behind promises can help us recognise why we sometimes fall short and what we can do to become more reliable.
The motivation behind making promises
In interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones, individuals often make promises driven by positive emotions and a desire to be responsive to their partner’s needs. A 2011 study by Peetz and Kammrath published under the National Institutes of Health (NIH) found that individuals with strong positive feelings towards their partners were more likely to make significant promises. This preference stems from the motivation to demonstrate care and commitment.
Then, why is it challenging to keep promises?
While the intention behind making promises is often genuine, the ability to fulfil them hinges on self-regulation skills. The same study by Peetz and Kammrath revealed that individuals who made ambitious promises, driven by their positive feelings, were not necessarily better at keeping them. Instead, traits like conscientiousness played a pivotal role in promise-keeping. This suggests that while love and affection motivate promise-making, self-discipline and planning are crucial for promise-keeping.
The impact of broken promises
Failing to keep a promise can have significant psychological outcomes. It can lead to feelings of betrayal and lower trust in relationships. Moreover, breaking promises to oneself can harm self-image and self-esteem.
As noted in an article on Psychology Today, not keeping a promise is akin to disrespecting oneself, which can ultimately affect one’s overall well-being.
Strategies to improve promise-keeping
To improve the likelihood of keeping promises, it’s essential to develop strong self-regulation skills. This includes setting realistic commitments and creating detailed action plans. The concept of implementation intentions, which involves planning the specifics of when, where, and how to act, has been shown to increase follow-through on commitments.
By forming concrete plans, individuals can better navigate obstacles and remember to act, thereby enhancing their ability to keep promises.
